stream....

contemplation : perspective
insight into me is the only thing I am reading.
I threw away half a dozen
and its becoming clear
when I say
lover of all things
I mean
all things good
not lover
what is that phrase
out of the wood work?
they file
like morbid memories on parade.
to remind me I suppose

there has to be someone
who wants to be where I am
in body, mind and spirit
not just body or belief

write it off
like a tax credit
file it for yet another year
or never review the paperwork that all looks dismal
i'm growing a collection of bad paperwork
the latest to fall out of the briefcase
seems harmless
but I know from late years experience
it's a trap
they want collection



theres honey on the trap
and I love the sickeningly sweet taste of honey
but I refuse to dunk my head into the disarming abyss.

amazing


It's beginning to make me ill.

someone who seemingly has more experience than me in these matters tells me, "well you have an exotic face"

exotic...

Take me at face value then i guess is what my face says to them.

He said to me... what if all our relationship was based on... was sex.

apparently not so strange. Though there I was mending future plans in the back of my seemingly unknowing mind.

when really... chalk it up to all the bad paperwork. Every sheet thats been filed.

I turn to the guy who seemingly knows more about these things then me. I find even words that we cling to that a man has said about whom he loves to be paper thin. Hearing a simple few phrases

I realize
I am not the one who should be negotiating for my own emotions.

I think back to when my grandmother lived and how she wove me tales about gentlemen. As progressive as she was I think she instilled in me an idea a concept that has never been valid.

I have got one friend on his way to becoming a doctor and I think about all the time spent with heavy handed words from him that I resented. Looking back I can say I know one person who had my best intentions in mind.

maybe its just the memory of the original piece of paperwork
of bad filing
of poor investment
who is tapping me on the shoulder
now

like a funeral reminding you
be thankful for your life
be thankful for your health
be thankful for your friends
be thankful for everything you have
and everything you don't